And through these trying times, I’ve seen how God is marvelously working on me. Yes, I am still a work in progress. We all are, actually.

Sharing my story on overcoming postpartum mood disorders — how I am learning to turn my struggles to strength, my tears to treasure, my worries to worship.

The past two months after Ellie’s birth, were tough. I have been on a constant battle with myself – guilt, worries, anxiety, doubts, disappointments. I was not feeling that motivation, that excitement I had when I first had Eegii. Sure we were prepared for Ellie, I was ready and looked forward to having a new addition but just couldn’t figure out what went wrong. It was hard to find that joy back. It was.

Despite my husband being supportive more than ever, I still did not feel fully secured. I was constantly feeling filled to the brim and still felt like I wasn’t enough.

And through these trying times, I’ve seen how God is marvelously working on me. Yes, I am still a work in progress. We all are, actually.

I eventually got tired of bottling it all up. I got tired of pretending all was fine. That’s the harsh reality nowadays — people are so skilled in faking things up in the digital world most often leaving others to think you’re always okay. But not. I got tired of it so I decided to embrace my reality and came out in the open despite the stigma. Despite having people disapproving negativity and some people being quick to judge, I went on to be heard. That somehow was a way out.

I have been wrestling with my faith, to be honest. Sometimes, I felt like my prayers were just unheard and lost in vain. I had those moments that made me feel closing my walls to others. My struggles deafened and numbed me for a while. No matter what my well-meaning people would say, I felt unaccepting and resentful.

I began searching for answers and help through other strange groups with the same struggles. Seeing my reality through them with no judgment, gradually I began feeling and realizing God’s wonderful work on me — slowly seeing the light back. I am grateful. I know I am always grateful I just need to be reminded sometimes.

God graciously gave me comfort through people around and even those I did not expect to be there for me. He used them to shed some little light back to my darkest hours.

I remembered Ate Susan telling me to enjoy the season a couple of weeks after Ellie was born. I thought how would I enjoy this season? But looking back now, I am grateful for that reminder. This is just a season, indeed. It shall come to pass and I know as I am seeing the little lights back, it is not yet too late to enjoy the little rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns in this season. I still have them and I am grateful.

I am grateful that the community visited and prayed for us a week after we came home from the hospital.

Ate Nel came to visit and checked on me despite being busy and my home being far. My heart was overjoyed when she took Eegii out for a date. Thankful for her sleepover and the hot soup. It was much-needed.

Cheryl came with little cute surprises for the girls that brought smiles on Eegii’s face as she was too stressed in my struggles. Thankful she stayed in for hours to lend ears and just be there despite having a handful of papers to mark.

Ate Ping came and lent me some time to get my needed supermarket trips.

Ate Connie came back to check on me to listen and offer motherly advice and sure some did work.

Sumiya came and kept us company for our lonely Christmas and New Year. The sleepovers, help in cooking meals, the random conversations and the much-needed back massage are truly appreciated.

Abby also chipped in some time slept over and generously provided meals and groceries for us. The laughter, the carefree and random talks about college and work and some time with Eegii out were indeed precious.

Glai and Giana were there for me too, for encouragement and those two who genuinely understood and felt me the most despite the distance. Glai with her ‘irish twins’ and Giana with her 3 kids are few of those I admire the most for great strength.

And talking about distance, Lezlie, and Laura though not in my closest circle, sparked new deeper friendship as we shared our motherhood stories.

Jade tried to reach out and call and spent some time with Eegii on messenger.

My best friends Irene and Kim for the encouraging words though sometimes I fail to communicate and connect with them.

My other best friend, Roann for sending some jokes that cheered me up in those moments.

My in-laws though became part of my struggle, are definitely genuinely appreciated for loving my children.

My relatives, especially my aunt who was constantly there to remind me.

My husband for constantly understanding what I’m going through. Knowing that he cares for my well-being made so much difference.

My little hero, my young best friend, my firstborn who witnessed and experienced everything with me. I am thankful for her patience and understanding and for loving me just the same despite my failures.

My newborn for bringing me new hope, new joy.

All these people and some I might have failed to mention were God’s gifts in this season. And I am truly grateful for them reaching out to me when I needed support the most.

Not only I am thankful for the people support but for the little things daily.

For the coffee that though sometimes not keeping me awake anymore still provided warmth in my cold mornings.

For the books that keep me occupied and aware.

For the essential oils that awaken my physical senses and support my immunity.

For the gift of technology and the internet where I can express myself out loud and pour my emotions into writing — and yes finding comfort in writing as therapy.

These and all the other littlest things, I am grateful.

But most of all, I am grateful for the grace from above.

I am thankful every day for God’s unfailing love.

I have not finished the battle yet but with God, I am confident that I am victorious already.