“It is good to know that we are not alone in this. We are never alone in this seemingly ‘perfect’ world. Some people may judge and frown upon us because they don’t completely understand what we are going through. Friends and family may fail and disappoint us sometimes and — yes perhaps most of the time.”

 

It is almost the end of December. It is hard to believe that the year’s almost over and you spent most of the year being pregnant and eventually give birth to another precious being. It is now another phase of motherhood that you are journeying.

It is past 2 am, your kids are finally asleep but you couldn’t get yourself fall into slumber yet. Your body tells you are extremely physically exhausted and you feel the aches and pain all over but your brain’s not stopping even for a moment. Your thoughts are constantly wandering — all wired up with guilt, fear and all sorts of “uglies”.
Even in your sleep, you are restless. Your brain’s bombarded with all these spiraling thoughts of fears and doubts. They’re not stopping no matter how hard you try.

I see you, momma. I feel you, momma.

Your thoughts drifted to that night before your husband flew back to work and you had this rare “parenthood” conversation — not because you do not talk but because you do not always get the chance to get a serious talk about parenthood since your children came to the world.

You remember yourself just bursting into tears when he asked you about the things that bother you the most. You couldn’t answer directly because you knew there would be so much to talk about, so much that bothers you, so many things going on in your head that you don’t know how or where to start.

I see you, momma. I feel you, momma.

They may always see you strong and confident with your parenting but the truth is — you are struggling, you are hurting. That feeling of failure is hitting you and hitting you hard again.

I see you, momma. I feel you, momma.

Remember the most cliché advice people would say, “Sleep when the baby sleeps”. Such isn’t always true for all because you know when your kids sleep you see and hear all the chores echoing for you to finally get them done. And by the time you go to bed, the sun’s already up and it is another day of battle.

You love being a mom. There’s so much joy in it that you couldn’t explain but to be honest –it isn’t always butterflies, unicorns and rainbows. It’s a daily battle, daily chaos that you sweat to sugarcoat.

In most days that you are alone with your kids, you feel like you accomplish nothing but you always end up feeling robbed — like all your energy’s been vacuumed out of you.

I see you, momma. I feel you, momma.

Your firstborn’s becoming very understanding and learning to be independent. You’re such a lucky mom for having her around. It seems like it wasn’t a long time ago when you first held her in your arms and now she’s learning to depend on you less on each passing day. Yet of course despite her being less dependent on you, you know she still needs you each day and she’s hoping to sometimes get alone time with you much as you do. Right there, every now and then, Mr. Guilt comes flaming, building up inside you.

I see you, momma. I feel you, momma.

Lately, things are getting more challenging each day with your newborn. Her quiet and good long night sleeps have turned into crying series. Her colic and reflux’s getting worse, throwing up and restless for consecutive nights as you do. You feel helpless. You feel hopeless.

I see you, momma. I feel you, momma.

The rest of the other days go around you juggling your attention between your kids and sometimes losing your patience and snapping at your firstborn all because of hunger, sleep deprivation and exhaustion – mental, physical, emotional.

That frustration that you are not able to spend quality alone time with your firstborn and you are short tempered most of the time even on minor offenses.

The frustration you get when you are hungry and tired, sleep-deprived – your children don’t get the best of you. So many times that you have promised yourself already not to be a monster mom – the yelling and spanking mom but be the gentle and loving mom that you were yet you still keep reverting and you get upset at yourself later that you did.

Your fears, worries, anxieties mar and rob your precious fleeting moments with your precious children, inflames your guilt more and depletes your sense of self-worth.

I see you, momma. I feel you, momma.

 

Yes, I see you momma, I feel you.

 

I have been in your shoe and I am still there – sometimes, most of the time. It is a difficult battle and yes, I am still in that battle – sometimes, most of the time. Please remember you are not alone. I am also you. That extreme anxious person who worries about everything and anything related to your children — I am also you.

 

It is good to know that we are not alone in this. We are never alone in this seemingly ‘perfect’ world. Some people may judge and frown upon us because they don’t completely understand what we are going through. Friends and family may fail and disappoint us sometimes and yes perhaps most of the time.

Yes momma, it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. Life’s reality is harsh and we can’t always fake it just so we can show others that we are doing fine. It is totally okay not to be okay. Cry it out loud if that helps. Take your time, momma.

When you feel better, remember these ugly moments will pass but sometimes will still crawl up on you, yet the most important lesson you can always set your mind into.

 

You are not alone, you have a loving FATHER in heaven always looking after you. He is always greater than life than your fears and disappointments. Get back up and keep going, momma.

You may fall into those ugly moments again and that’s okay. Just get back up again and keep going.

I am also you, momma. I am you.

Take time to quiet your heart before the Lord and remind yourself of His unfailing love and grace.

 

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26

 

 

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