It’s 4 am and I still couldn’t sleep.
I only find myself staring at my two girls deep asleep and snuggling.

Ah, what a precious sight! It brings so much joy to my heart.

I looked around the house and saw all the clutter in every corner.

Z’s winter jacket hanging on the mirror.
Socks and several marker caps under the couch.
My coffee cup half empty from six hours ago.
Dishes piling up in the sink.
Z’s toys dusting under the bed.
E’s baby bottles still unwashed and left on the table.
The laundry waiting on the rack.
The worksheets for my class the next day — scattered beside my computer.
I am exhausted just by looking at them.

This is my life every single day.
They don’t seem to end.

I can’t figure out how to finish them all without waking the baby up, the moment I get out of bed.

I remember just the other day, I ended up screaming again. I was angry again.
I dumped all the toys on the carpet. I was crying as I was sorting the toys back to their boxes.
I was crying while picking up the rotten apple pieces inside the wooden toy pot and the slime that has already dried and stuck on the carpet.

I remember it was only last week when I found out that the fan blade got broken.
Just last month, our heater pipe got broken too and water leaked all over the floor.

And yesterday, I just discovered my printer got some tiny potpourri pieces stuck in it and I won’t be able to use it until my husband comes back from work in two weeks.

I guess Z had been really busy discovering things in the house while I was out for work.

I am tired of seeing all the things broken.

I am tired of feeling broken and not feeling myself.
I feel furious and frustrated.
I am tired of feeling angry and yelling every single day.
It has taken the joy out of me.
It has consumed me.

This is not who I was. This is not who I want to be.

I am drowning.
Help me, Ma! I’m drowning!

I wish you have told me that this motherhood is going to suck the sanity out of me.
I wish you have told me that this motherhood will feel like taking away my identity.
I wish you have told me that this motherhood wouldn’t be as easy as what they seem on movies and books.

I am drowning.
Help me, Ma! I’m drowning!

This burden of guilt, of anger, of frustration and of all my insecurities – is just too much for me to handle on my own.

Help me ma, I am drowning.
I am overwhelmed and I feel like giving up already.

But no, ma. I won’t give up.

I have to fight this.
I have to be brave.
I have to be strong.
I have to keep myself together.

I won’t let my fears, my guilt, my struggles, my frustrations defeat me.
Because, at the end of the day, I am what my children need the most.

Help me. Pray for me as I couldn’t bear all these by myself.

Help me, Ma! I’m drowning!
I am feeling alone and I wish you are here with me.

PIN THIS for Later!

Recommended Readings: 

Journey to Clutter-Free and Peaceful Parenting 

I Owe My Daughter An Apology Today 

A Letter to My Firstborn

I See You, Momma. I Feel You!

The Ultimate Homemaking Bundle
Ultimate Homemaking Bundle 2019